Hantaran! Bila dengar hantaran kita lelaki semua seram sejuk beb! Hantaran ni makan more than 50% of our wedding expenses. Jadi macam mana nak dapatkan “discount” dan negotiate dengan bakal mentua anda?
Sebelum ini saya PROTEST habis-habisan tentang hantaran. I felt that hantaran is a practice that is obsolete and unfair for the guys. I even told my fiancee that I will not give any hantaran until her parents can explain to me why they want the hantaran. If the reason is because of “face value” then I am not giving in to the idea of hantaran. But… in the end I did agree with the hantaran. Why?
Sebelum itu let’s paham kan dahulu apa itu hantaran dan siapa ni yang pandai-pandai start kasi hantaran. Lelaki yang start ini memang spoil market betol! 😉
Pertama paling penting harus paham yang wang hantaran ini TIDAK wajib. Yang wajib adalah mahr atau mas kahwin. Mas kahwin itu adalah hak isteri dan suami tidak boleh ambil sedikit pun daripada mas kahwin itu. But hantaran boleh “makan ramai” dan keluarga isteri pun boleh ada share.
Concept hantaran ini ialah budaya orang Melayu dan the thinking behind hantaran dan kenapa masih ramai ibu bapa minta hantaran untuk anak mereka ada sebab-sebabnya:
Untuk membuat majlis kenduri atau majlis perkahwinan untuk pihak wanita.
Abih pihak lelaki punyer majlis lelaki pun bayar jugak?! Tak fair ah gini. Memang tak fair bro tetapi ingat yang concept hantaran ini datang dari time nenek moyang kita dulu. Time dulu wanita memang ramai tidak berkerja dan lelaki is seen to be the provider of the family. Ok chill dulu k nanti dibawah saya akan share cara settle kan issue ini.
To show yang pihak lelaki ini is financially ready for marriage and to look after the wife.
Ada ibu bapa gunakan hantaran ini to gauge the financial readiness of the guy. Saya dulu ego dan mati-mati tak nak kasi hantaran dan saya bilang tunang saya kalau ibu bapa dia nak tahu whether saya ada duit ke tak saya kasih je bank account statement! Haha… Tolong jangan buat gitu 😉
Let’s try to put ourselves in the shoes of the girl’s parents. Or imagine yourself as a parent and your daughter whom you have taken care of for more than 20 plus years is to be handed away to another man. I am sure as a parent you want the best for your daughter and I know it is superficial and all but at the end of the day being financially stable is one of the main concern of parents as they do not want their daughter to suffer. All parents want a better life for their children. By showing the duit hantaran it is more of a symbolism that the guy is ready financially. Kira ini untuk sedapkan hati bakal mertua.
Nak jaga muka
Ok ni yang selalu buat orang marah. Ibu bapa minta duit hantaran yang bukan-bukan kerana anak dia graduate dari NUS. Dia minta duit hantaran $12,000 kerana jiran sebelah anak perempuan dia dapat duit hantaran $10,000 dan hanya graudate dari NUH :p (Diploma in nursing lah!).
Ini yang susah nak overcome because we know how hard-headed the older generation can be. If you go into an argument with them you are fighting a losing battle. Kalau ibu bapa anda atau your future in-laws will be like this then layankan. Kita lelaki tak nak selisih paham dengan mereka sebelum mendirikan rumah tangga. Don’t jeopardise your relationship for this. Again below I will share how I overcome this.
There are many other reasons why parents minta duit hantaran. Some even got mix-up hantaran as mandatory while some just follow blindly as it has been a culture. To change this mindset would be a challenge.
Maybe we can wait another 20 more years or so when we ourselves become parents and this younger generation is able to grasp the concept that hantaran can be a financial burden. But for now we have to work around it and this is what I did to manage the hantaran “burden”.
Cara Untuk Overcome Masalah Wang Hantaran
Discuss With Partner
Ini teramat penting. Have a discussion with your partner and ask her what she thinks of hantaran. Ada partner yang tak kisah pasal hantaran tapi ada yang ingin kan hantaran. Whatever it is respect her decision and share your views too. When sharing views don’t be too quick to be judgmental. Understand her reason and put yourself in her shoes. Remember that both you and your partner is a TEAM to tackle the hantaran issue if you have any. Hantaran ini is not solely the guy’s burden but the girl must be a part of it as well.
For example, the girl’s parents have stated that the hantaran is $10,000. Guys please be upfront on your finances and share if you think you can’t afford it. Work together in brainstorming how to come up with the hantaran. I do know of couples who actually share the cost of hantaran. Ini tak ada salah atau betul kerana ingat hantaran ini bukan wajib unlike mas kahwin yang itu hak wanita. Both of you need to sit down and work on your finances and wedding expenses as well. Both of you will be spending your life together soon and being transparent with your finances will help a lot in the relationship.
Discuss With In-Laws
What I did when my future in-laws asked for duit hantaran is to ask them how the hantaran will be use. Although it is recommended for you to get your partner to ask instead, takot pulak nanti dorang cakap “eh duit hantaran duit kita asal nak tahu pulak!”.
Most of the time parents will give back the hantaran and not even use a single cent. Ask them when do they want the hantaran to be given to them. Depending on your relationship with your partner’s parents, you can be upfront with them if you think you can’t afford the hantaran. Again this is best if your partner is the one who do the talking. Share with them the forecasted wedding expenses both you and your partner need to fork out. Part ini the GF need to pandai buat cerita sedih! You should also ask their understanding of hantaran.
For parents who wants hantaran to “jaga muka” maybe you can discuss with them that the duit hantaran will be on “paper” meaning when people ask duit hantaran berapa everyone will say it is XXX dollars. But behind close doors no money is to be exchange. Duit hantaran don’t have to be showcase during pernikahan but even if they want it to be displayed you don’t have to have the full amount. Meaning kalau hantaran $10k just have to display a cheque of $10k on the solemnisation day.
For parent who wants hantaran for their daughter’s majlis ask them when they want the hantaran and whether they want it in full amount before the wedding. This can be a good thing as their parents act as a “wedding savings account”. Example the parents want $10k for the wedding, if you have the $10k already you can pass it to them first but do ask them if your partner nak “withdraw” for the wedding expenses can it be use. If you don’t have the $10k yet you can discuss with them if it is possible to bayar in installment.
Example would be parents ask for $10k for hantaran. What you and your partner can do is for each person to come up with $5k each and pass it to her parents. And base on your discussion with her parents on the use of duit hantaran, when you are ready to buy any wedding package you can ask them for the money. Nak lagi senang bawak sekali dorang ke Expo! :p
Again all this boils down to communication between you, your partner and the parents.
I do know of couples who broke up because of hantaran. The girl’s parent insisted that the guy give a certain amount if he really wants to get married to their daughter and if he fail to do so then the marriage is off. It is quite sad to hear such stories and my du’a that you will not encounter such issues.
Again I want to emphasise for couples to work together on this. This is just one of the many challenges you will face as a couple in your marriage journey. Remember that your relationship will only get stronger after each challenge.
I hated the concept of hantaran but a good friend of mine gave me a valuable advice that helps me at least accept it and that is to please the future in-laws not because I agree with them but because I love my partner and wants to see her happy.
It be great if you could share your thoughts on this article or if you have any advice or tips you are able to share with regard to hantaran that others can benefit as well 🙂